just our hands clasped so tight
by betweentheraindrops
Summary: Ryan/Marissa. 3x08. "You know, I've loved you longer than you think."


A/N: Because I'll never get over how much I ship these two. Ever. It's kind of ridiculous, in the best way possible. The song the title of this is from has absolutely nothing to do with the story, but it's definitely an RM song. I'm sure you all know why. There's a little bit of Core Four at the end, because they're still my number one fandom friendship ever.

Takes place post 3x08. Don't tell me you didn't get a little giddy when RM were thinking of going to Berkeley together.

Reviews are love.

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about

'Cause we'll hold each other soon.

_- I Will Follow You Into The Dark, Death Cab for Cutie_

.. .. ..

There's silence in Seth's room for good thirteen minutes, mind for Summer's little breaths as she sleeps in her boyfriend's arms.

The two blondes are sitting on the floor by the foot of the bed, Ryan's arm around Marissa's shoulders and her head on his. She places her hand on the top of his knee, her sock covered foot touching his ankle. He listens to her breathe, the way she sucks in a breath every few seconds and how she moves closer to him every time she exhales.

"What're you thinking about?" Ryan asks quietly. "Johnny?"

Marissa shakes her head against him, chortles softly, making her body shake the slightest bit. "Surprisingly, no."

He chuckles slowly next to her, rubbing her shoulder a bit with his hand. _Tell me, then._

She breathes, lets him move his thumb across the back of her neck, and she uncoils just a little bit. She loves that he knows she loves when he does that. "It's just, it scares me sometimes-"

"Look, the whole thing with Trey-"

"No, not Trey- I mean, yeah, him too. But, you and me," she sucks in a breath. "I'm scared that something will tear us apart. It always has before." _I don't think we're strong enough to make it._

It breaks his heart a bit, that she thinks these things. He knows she's it for him. Ryan takes a breath, thinks the idea of losing her is harder to imagine than anything he's lost before. Including her. He thinks, tries to choose his words carefully. But she's said it before, they're not good with words. He wants to tell her that they can't, they _won't_. "I won't let that happen."

"But-" he hears her sniffle, turning toward him, causing him to settle his arm so she's more comfortable. She's so gorgeous, sometimes he still can't believe that she's his. "Promise?"

He smiles at her, runs his thumb over her cheek bones where tears have gathered and rubs them away gently. "I promise," he says solemnly and all it takes is their eyes colliding, blue crashing into blue, for her to believe him.

Ryan looks at her, really looks at her. He's the only person who sees her like this; all vulnerable and beautiful and his perfect mess. _Goddamn, she's beautiful_, he thinks. She's always been gorgeous, heartbreakingly so, but right now she's breathtaking. Teary eyes and her muffled hair all tied together with a smile.

She lets out a tear, a happy one, and leans forward to press her lips to his. It's not hungry or anything like most of their kisses. It's chaste and sweet and she balls up his shirt in her fist as he grabs the back of her neck and part of her ponytail and it's perfect and lingers and _we'll make it_.

Marissa pulls away from him slowly, licks her lips, settles herself into his arms once again as she hears Sandy and Kirsten murmur from the hallway, something about calling Dr. Roberts and how the girls are staying the night. Ryan thinks it's funny, or really pathetic, if you look at it. The four of them, it's _always_ them. They love each other in their own special ways, but they never get tired of hanging out, of it being just them four. He honestly doesn't know how they'll take the distance come September. He's kidding. Or, at least he thinks he is. But he'll have his girlfriend there, he knows it. That's better than anything else, he thinks.

"My life just doesn't work without you," Marissa murmurs.

Ryan chuckles softly, twining his fingers with hers at her shoulder. "It always goes so smooth when we're together."

And she laughs next to him, a bit too loudly considering the other pair in their foursome are sleeping soundly on the bed they're leaning on. Her laugh is loud and distinct and he could pick it out of a crowd. She leans forward a bit and she smiles wide, closing her eyes in glee.

"Shh," he says with a smile as he places his finger on her lips, biting back a snort of his own as she pouts playfully at him. He remembers that night they said those exact same words, how it doesn't make sense to say it out loud, but it's still somehow true. His life just doesn't work without her.

When she quiets down, he thinks about their conversation in the poolhouse, how she wants to put the Trey incident behind them and how she saved him- "Hey, what you said earlier- I know you don't wanna talk about this- but you said you were saving someone you," she looks up at him. "Loved."

Marissa looks at him next to her, feels the way he holds her- like he could do it forever and still be content- and she knows it, knows she loves him and has for a while. "Yeah."

"You- really?"

Her smile comes easy, just like it always does. "You sound surprised."

"I'm just, we've only said that once before," he says carefully.

Marissa gives him a playfully skeptical look, narrows her eyes at him. "I've said it _twice_."

Ryan mocks offense as he gasps and dramatically clutches his heart. "Hey."

She tries hard to keep the smile off her face as she quirks her eyebrow at him. It's easy, right now, talking about this. They don't talk much about anything, they know that, but right now, it's not too deep and not too serious. Because saying too much or too little might have always been their downfall.

"It's different with us, you know?" She nods in agreement. "I don't need to tell you for you to know."

Marissa nods again, smiles at him because he's basically just said that he does love her and she should know that. Of course she does, it would just be nice to hear it. But she won't pressure him to say it, especially when she already knows what he's feeling- how he loves her but is afraid of ruining them the same way she is. He's not a man of many words and she's always known that. She also overheard the tail end of his conversation with that kind man from Berkeley, the one that said they should apply together. She's not even going to even try denying that it made her heart flutter hearing all the things he said about her. He's not sure he can leave her. The thought makes her heart beat in her chest, the fact that he can't leave her, that he doesn't want to.

She settles next to him and wrapped up in him at the same time, closes her eyes as he buries his face in her hair, his nose rubbing against her neck. She chuckles softly when his hair hits her neck, has always felt ticklish there. It feels nice, sitting here together. They haven't spent much time together recently. With Johnny and Trey, everything just isn't right in their world when they don't get along or aren't together. Sure, they spend an admittedly unhealthy amount of time with Seth and Summer; but never just the two of them. But this- right now- it's _perfect_. She knows it and he does too and it goes unsaid, as do many things between them, that this is what they've been missing for so long.

"You know," he says, muffled against her hair on purpose, so that if she doesn't hear it, he won't have to say it again. "I've loved you longer than you think."

Marissa feels her breath hitch in her throat and her heart breaks in a completely good way. Her thoughts are rampant in her head, filled with _really_ and _are you serious_ and _ohmygod_. She turns around, his arm still around her and her face is centimeters from his. She doesn't really have any thoughts other than maybe she just needed to hear that to know that everything will be okay. That as long as he loves her, nothing else matters. All she can think of doing is grabbing him by the shirt and kissing him until her breath runs short. So she smiles as she closes her eyes as she brings his face to hers and he wraps his arms around her waist as hers go around his neck. She smiles against him, pulling him up by the front of his shirt so they're both on their knees, no space between them, and that's the way she wants it- the way she wants him, forever.

"Thank you," she whispers when they part, his forehead rested on hers. And he chuckles softly in front of her, his breath warm on her face. Ryan loves her. Somehow, she's always known that. But when he tells her on those really rare occasions, she's gone. Gone for him and gone for the way she feels when she's with him.

They feel a pillow hit them on their side. But it's not rough, though, because Seth's the one that threw it. "I swear to Moses, if you reply with 'you're welcome', I'm gonna-" Summer stirs in his arms and opens her eyes minimally. "Have Summer kick your ass."

"Kick whose ass?" she asks quietly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

Marissa looks over at Ryan and he's already looking at her when she asks him quietly, "Are you blushing?"

"Oh my God, he so is," Seth points out, earning a chuckle from Summer.

Ryan puts Marissa in a playful headlock, her head in the crook of his elbow, face right next to his neck, making her fall into a fit of giggles. He holds her still, humoured as she tries to get out of his hold, throwing the pillow back and saying to Seth, "Thanks man."

Seth nods at his best friend, motioning with his hand. "No problemo, amigo."

Summer sits up, now fully awake, patting her boyfriend's hand that's around her frame. "Now get off me, Cohen. Your Jew genes might be contagious."

Marissa laughs as she smacks on Ryan on the arm. He smiles in response, wrapping his arm around her waist, finger curling around the belt loop at her hip.

Summer smiles at them. They're so _right there_ and it's refreshing and she loves seeing both of them happy. "You guys," she starts. "This is the last year that it'll just be the four of us."

Her best friend pouts. "It's not forever."

"But you know what is forever?"

Ryan looks from Marissa to Summer and then to Seth, silently asking what the hell she might mean. Seth shrugs; he's gotten used to not understanding some of the things she says. And Marissa, she's known her best friend long enough to know that she feels some sentiment coming or some label marked on all four of them.

Summer sighs. "Seriously, you guys are so dense." Marissa opens her mouth in protest but her best friend continues. "Us. Our friendship. It's forever."

"Aww," Marissa chides, smiling over at the girl she's called a sister practically her whole life.

Seth kisses Summer on the cheek, whispering loudly to the pair in front of his bed. "That's my girlfriend." Summer rolls her eyes and giggles. She loves his endearing gestures.

"We should make a pact or something, make it official," Summer says, smiling when Seth takes her hand.

Ryan looks at her. "And how do we do that?"

She extends her hand to him and Marissa does the same to Seth, her other hand holding Ryan's as well.

Ryan slowly takes Summer's hand and she chastises him, "Come on Atwood, I don't bite."

He chuckles. She can always make him laugh.

"To the four of us, friends forever," Summer says in a higher, more pronounced voice, raising both of her hands into the air, Ryan's and Seth's hands going up with hers.

"Forever," Seth and Marissa say with different octaves of voices at the same time.

Ryan looks at all three of them, thinks that this is his family. There's his family with Sandy and Kirsten and Seth, but there's also this one. This family that spend too much time together, most of the time in two separate entities, but those lines get blurred on occasion. Seth and Marissa can be sitting on Ryan's bed writing notes in each other's copy of _On The Road_, both calling the poolhouse something like a second home, as Ryan helps Summer with her rage issues and holds the punching bag still in front of her as she swings hard. But all four still in the same room, talking about everything and nothing at all as they take a break from whatever to play the video game Seth just got from Game Stop the other day. This family of friends that would do anything for each other; night or day, day or night.

"Forever," he agrees, squeezing both girl's hands with his own.

Marissa smiles at him, gives him a look.

So maybe he squeezed her hand just a little bit tighter.

.fin.


End file.
